He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I deserve this hangover.
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