to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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