I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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