Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
