Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
