Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You are the jesus of drinking
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
