...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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