This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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