he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
