If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
