you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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