The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
