Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
