I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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