My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.