I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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