i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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