A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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