No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
