This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
