the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
