but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
