Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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