did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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