half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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