I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
