with your own penis?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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