Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
