dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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