White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
