i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.