I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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