I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
