Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He passed out mid-signature
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
