btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
