oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
