I'm so fucking centered right now
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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