We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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