I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
