Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
