Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
