So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
