i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
