idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
