i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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