I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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