im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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