The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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