My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i think i just lost a toe
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
