I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You took a bar mat shot.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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