Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
