it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
