So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
