He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Ladies don't puke and tell
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
