Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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