why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
