I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
