its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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