New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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