I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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