I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
