Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
