last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
