I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it