you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.