I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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